People are always like hindsight is 20/20 blah blah blah. Nope. Hindsight you may be able to see huge glaring mistakes but the devil is in the details (not sure if I deployed that phrase properly?!). Hindsight is where we see things as we wanted to see their outcomes and pissed the cards didn’t fall that way (blanket statement).
Maybe it’s just me but I’ve never been horrendously shocked by an outcome in the sense of the phrase. I consider myself quite capable of discerning a multitude of situations that may arise - dutifully not giving a fuck, and then doing what I felt so inclined to do.
Even when I apply it to things like a car accident - hindsight is 20/20 yeah if I could see back in time I wouldn’t have been dicking around on my phone and braked a little sooner. It is not hindsight that made me realize that but general intuition that such a thing was a stupid decision from the get go and yet there I was.
It’s just not something I subscribe to but it is something I say occasionally. Which leads me to the topic at hand…
I got engaged three months after meeting someone on the Internet. Hindsight, being the supposed 20/20 that it is would reckon that this perhaps was not the wisest decision. It doesn’t require hindsight to realize it wasn’t the perfect decision, because the knowledge of risk and doubt was readily apparent. But the fallacy of hindsight is that it’s perfect that it’s all knowing. What hindsight couldn’t tell me, in its grainy detail, was the thousands of minute moments and gestures I had not anticipated that in the past 9 months that make that one huge illogical decision logical.
In hindsight, would I get engaged again to someone I had known for 3 months and then proceed to start a life with them halfway across the country? No. Absolutely not. I would’ve waited until I was absolutely certain, I would’ve worked around plans for my career to stay there and see where things went, I would’ve done a million things differently.
For me, and my love for rash but intuitive decision making, hindsight is too objective, to callous. Despite being a general basket case and slightly neurotic, my intuition has always been my best sense. I am true to myself and my values, above all else. Everything else I kind of let slide and happen but I tend to listen to my intuition. I have no use for the fixed version of hindsight because I do what aligns with me without wavering (not to indicate I don’t ruminate about the past and how things came to shape and such). I don’t fear going all in because I trust my inherent intuition.
Spending my life with Charlie is something I haven’t doubted, but have leaned into the doubt of others. I lean in because it’s human nature to do so (I think?), because what other people think of course affects me even in the face of a strong sense of intuition. It’s hard because I’m a control freak and I want everyone to agree with me and see what I see and to trust like I trust. And they don’t of course because how could they? My biggest struggle in life is my need to control myself and my environment. I do it compulsively and often unwittingly. When I’ve had a bad day and I don’t understand why I’m in such a snit and everything is horrible and overwhelming I can almost always trace it back to a lack of control in some form or other. And of course that applies to my relationship and the entities that surround it. For a little over a year I functioned without this anxiety because I was regimented and everything was essentially in my control to the extent which one is capable of controlling the general world ( a mix of insanity and willful ignorance). Then when another person that you decide to share your life with arrives control is horribly and utterly decimated. If you are like me this is rather devastating to one’s psyche.
At any rate after several paragraphs of babbling unrelatedly I make my point… Maybe. Hindsight is fine for obvious glaring issues and especially ones that you feel make you look stupid and in my case that make me feel like I lack control. I can’t control what you think about me and my relationship nor can I feasibly or peaceably control the other person in my relationship. I have been given the gift of more gloriously pristine moments of love and affection than any one person really has right to.
Hindsight tells me it was a rash decision to know and commit to spending my life with someone, hindsight also tells me I’ve grown enormously and been challenged in a million ways since graduating and moving and living with for lack of a better word a stranger. Hindsight tells me I have felt foolish and ashamed and sought approval from people who may ultimately become inconsequential. Hindsight has taught me I am my own worst enemy in my need for control. The most important thing I have garnered from hindsight is that while the big picture is the most apparent and readily available for ridicule the indecipherable parts add up to the greatest significance.
What I’m trying to say is, hindsight has validity but don’t get lost in the obvious. I’m thankful for the little things and I’m proud of my relationship. I’m proud of my decisions and I choose to continue on this path. I care about what other people think and it’s unavoidable, for me at least.
Another rambling session, brought to you by bored at work capital management from our sponsor Torcat.