i feel sooooo confused about what i look like? am i fat am i skinny and i pretty or ugly i literally CAN’T TELL AT ALL. how i feel about my looks changes on a min to min basis and is mostly affected by my mood i am so confused what the HECK do i actually look like to u people. i feel like an alien in my body
I’m definitely in a stage of change these past couple months. I think for a while I was very much nesting and getting resettled into my relationship as we moved in together in Colorado. Before I had been very much in college/career mode. I’m starting to feel very much settled into myself and identity. I don’t feel guilty for doing the things I want/need for myself. If I need a new haircut and $20 pumps to make me feel like an attractive human I’m going to do that. If I want to refocus on meditation and self reflection I’m going to do that. It’s strange to live the life you feel like you’re supposed to. For a long time I spent time and energy being something I’m not. And for some reason that translated too general bitchiness, superiority, no empathy, anger etc. I feel like a lot of my past actions and lifestyle was largely influenced by that cognitive dissonance I was experiencing on a daily basis. I honestly felt sometimes that my actions weren’t real or they just didn’t absorb as something that affected me. I often acted without remorse or regard because I didn’t feel the implications of my actions. That can seem kind of crazy so I guess you might have to experience it to understand it. I wasn’t dead inside or anything like that I just didn’t associate my own actions with my *self*. So now I do and I’m happier and more in touch with myself and not being destructive to myself or others and at the end of the day I feel pretty good about all of that.
note to self
Jesse Parent - “To the Boys Who May One Day Date My Daughter”
"If you break her heart, I will hear it snap with the ear I pressed against her mother’s belly."
From the Coaches Slam at CUPSI 2014. This performance has the longest sustained break for applause we’ve ever seen a poet have to take.
Day ten of the detox is here and I still lost 10 pounds despite my transgression. I feel good but. Not really any better than I generally do. It definitely helped my sleep patterns and reducing cravings. I’m not going to keep doing the strict one but I bought an accompanying cook book to supplement what I’m already doing. The best part was finding three more quick meals that Charlie likes.
Probably going to stick to no coffee except maybe a cup on the weekends at brunch. I don’t need it so why bother with the extra calories… I’m really feeling like this is what I needed to get back on track and be conscious of my choices.
All in all, I would recommend doing it to anyone but if you’re basing it just on feelings you can probably stop at six or seven days. I’m definitely skinnier and definitely not craving junk as much or actually at all (upside to my breaking halfway through is I saw how it made me feel both physically and emotionally.). At the very least this detox was an exercise in self control which was much needed and appreciated.